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A White Guilt Owner’s Manual
“Racism is sin.” That statement has the rare quality of being both popular and true. It is even held as a cardinal doctrine by those who claim to be completely irreligious.
Stranger still, the virtue of the statement isn’t tarnished by the odd company it keeps. It remains true when dressed in either red or blue. Say it loudly and you will rouse the approval of asses and elephants alike. Say it often and it becomes the cultural purgative that absolves one of every other moral inexactitude. Say it repeatedly and you may even get a street named after you. But say it consistently and you will be excoriated.
There doth appear to be some sort of terminological voodoo at work whenever the phrase is uttered. The words are regarded as absolute—except when they aren't. They are a relative absolute; an amorphous abstraction that loses any certitude when pointed in the wrong direction.
Racism 𝑖𝑠 a sin. Despite the apparent irony, it is a sin that can only be perpetrated by a single race. We are told, with considerable volume, that they and they alone must bear the burden of guilt in the matter of racial strife and animus.
Of course, one way to ensure that everybody takes racism seriously is to throw about charges of racism with wild abandon. That always seems to calm things down. So I’m here to help promote peace and a general feeling of bonhomie.
Since the sensitivity camps are all overbooked, I would like to help you own your guilt and thereby learn to properly loathe yourself. What follows are 10 considerations to aid your self-immolation.
*Disclaimer: this applies to whites only; everyone else should just blame us.
1. You are not allowed to say anything that may, by the dark art of divination or by consulting chicken entrails, be interpreted as being racially charged. (Your words need not actually be racially charged if they can be shown under the worst light and the highest temperatures to hint at something unapproved by the Tolerance Brigade.)
2. Being white is a natural handicap, brought about through the fault of birth, that prevents you from being able to engage other races with the criticism with which you are engaged. Racism is selectively traducian. Being born white is how Original Sin is perpetuated.
3. Racial discrimination can only run in one direction. This is necessarily the case. Discriminating people are easy to spot because they are all the same pasty white color.
4. Equality is bigotry. Not everyone should not be given opportunity for advancement or promotion as long as there are other viable alternatives. A good way to keep the playing field level is by standing on the bowed backs of white folk.
5. If you aren’t one, you can't criticize one. If you don't have a functioning uterus, you can't decry abortion. Unless you desire to wear high heels and marry men, you can't criticize LGBTQ (ad infinitum). If you’re not an addict, then "you just can't understand." Likewise, If you aren’t a member of a minority race, then you can't speak on race (unless it is to say, "Mea Maxima Culpa").
6. Racial praise and privilege is not inherently wrong as long as the present culture affirms that particular race. Sorry Jews and Asians, it sucks but you guys usually get lumped in with us Caucasians.
7. Sensitivity is a virtue; honesty is a vice. It doesn't matter if its true, it's never culturally acceptable to make someone uncomfortable. Of course, this does not apply to statements upbraiding white people. That creamy skin is thick; they can handle it. Fire away.
8. You aren't preaching the whole gospel if you aren't preaching white guilt. We must be made aware that we are born sinners in Adam and made greater sinners by our European heritage. This gospel saves us from any appreciation of our fathers, any honoring of our heritage. February instructs us as to which fathers may be lawfully venerated.
9. National life is like a wildlife reserve. Minorities are protected and may not be touched on pain of death, while at the same time it's open season on the unprotected majority. We must be kept manageable.
10. Learn to sit and eat your mess of Orwellian pottage. It took way too much negotiating on the part of your betters to exchange your birthright for it.