The Puritans are Back

The Puritans are back, but this time they are sanctimonious seculozealots touting moral dogmas cooked up five minutes ago in some Rousseauian meth lab. Yet, unlike your friendly neighborhood meth heads, these New Pietists still have all their teeth–a truth made obvious both by how eagerly they gnash them and how easily they are set on edge.

This latter day breed of Black Hats has “seen the light,” they are the “Woke.” While the rest of us poor benighted souls stumble around in darkness, unable to perform whatever esoteric algebra enables our betters to calculate more than two genders, or perceive every situation through the prism of race.

It is a shame that so many are still trying to structure their lives on the basis of common sense and the outmoded teachings of a Carpenter’s Son when we have access to these new hot gospellers to show us the error of our ways. For far too long we languished without the priggish shock, the melodramatic outrage, the prissy moral indignation. We simply didn’t know what we were missing, being fast asleep and all. But now, light has come into the world. And those of us still in darkness (or “whiteness”) who still sit around scratching our heads have no excuse.

Thirty years ago, we lived in a time of abject ignorance. There were no wild-eyed prophets to guide us. When Slick Willy moved into the White House there was no #metoo

. Left to our own devices, we had to suss out by hook and by crook that it was probably bad form for a President to diddle an intern with a Cuban cigar. Unfortunately, the Clintons came too soon–Gadarene swine with no one to chase them into the sea. If the Wokesters had been around then perhaps a fella like that would’ve gotten himself impeached.

Thankfully, we now live in more enlightened times. We are perpetually vigilant of any and all injustice. If there is no injustice to be found, we will cobble some together. And we have the social justice warriors to protect the marginalized from us. Each one armed, like Samson, with the jaw of an ass.

These new Puritans labor faithfully in the vineyard instructing us in the catechism of cognitive dissonance. Differences between races and genders may never be acknowledged, but they must always be celebrated. If a nine-year old’s penis offends him, he should cut it off. But he (they/them) is too young for a parent to force something as life altering as religion upon him.

Some erroneously view the Woke as a threat. But that is madness. Imagine how far we might wander off the reservation if it weren’t for their liberating chains. It is precisely through these new bonds that we finally may reach our apotheosis–victimization. After all, nothing burns as brightly as a well-tarred martyr. We may even get a statue cast in our honor since these great iconoclasts have recently made so much room by getting rid of all the baddies.

So I say three cheers for the new Puritans! O beautiful for pilgrim feet (shod in Prada heels for Drag Queen Story Hour) upon our stubborn necks. Freedom was too stifling anyway.