House Rules continued...

*Since many benefitted from the ancient precepts concerning my Grandfather’s table, here are a few more various laws which governed the household.

Ordinances concerning the use of thy teeth

Bite not anything that isn’t food; neither thy brother, nor thy sister, nor anything that pertaineth to the furnishings of the house. Press not thy teeth into the flesh of any living thing that creepeth upon the earth lest my anger wax hot and I cast thee into the corner. 

At the rising of the sun and at the setting of the same thou shalt brush thy teeth with water and toothpaste. Yea, for at least thirty-seconds thou shalt brush them. For in the day thou dost not brush them thy breath will become as brimstone, and the firmament shalt melt at the stench thereof. But thou shalt not write thy name in toothpaste upon the mirror, neither in cursive nor in print, or any such characters as seemeth pleasing to thine I. Only put the paste upon thy teeth and nothing more. Selah.

Of matters which pertaineth to decorum

Thou shalt not scream or wail or moan within the borders of the house. For in much screaming there cometh a bleeding in mine ears and a sore frazzling of mine own nerves. 

Take heed when thou pisseth, to take thine aim in the toilet. Thou art not a fireman who putteth out flames upon the walls, neither art thou a crop duster who irrigateth the floors as though crops should grow therein. Moreover, honor thy mother in the putting down of the toilet seat. For I am the one who must needs hear about it.

Let the dog alone, for what has the dog done that thou shouldst bind it with duct tape. 

Drink not of thy bathwater, neither should you drink of the bathwater of another. For that is an abomination to me. And remember, I charge thee, what has been said about the duct tape.

O children, do as I have commanded, and do not turn again to argue. For I knowest the darkness of thy hearts. Talk not back when reprimanded, neither contest the littlest detail as though thou art some slick Philadelphia lawyer. For I have spoken once, and that is enough. Selah. When thou art corrected, go quietly unto thy room; do not spit, neither should you call your sister “stupid head” or any other such blasphemies. For she hast well spoken when she hast said, “Thou art not the boss of me.” 

Hearken unto me, O my son, for these be the laws and ordinances until such time as you reach the age of twenty-one. As long as thou dwellest under mine own roof, or cast thy feet under my table, thou shalt obey. If thou lovest thine own life, mark these things, to keep and to do them.